I just ate a cockroach and I want to be a fire truck.
he was lying next to me and i saw him text "score" to someone.
we were frolicking through a fountain of pizza rolls. it was like the best dream i ever had
i woke up at 5 am and found myself wrapped in christmas lights that were plugged into the wall.
repeat this after me. period at the beach is better than baby at the beach. breathe. and: period at the beach is better than baby at the beach.
Seeing a catheter being inserted into a penis severely diminished my sex life
maybe next time you shouldn't be drinking alone watching intervention at 3 am and no one would think you needed an intervention.
everything was going well until edgar threatened to handcuff the security guard to himself.
You better not fucking die before we have sex while you blow fire. I'm serious. Don't mess up my sexual bucket list.
Just ate tuna on a frozen waffle because we were out of bread.
This is why you don't have nice things.
So hungover. I dropped my keys and leaning over seemed a terrible idea. Instead I took my shoe off in the middle of the street and use my toes to pick them up. Think I'm a genius.
I straight up told your dad I've slept with a majority of your family
You tipped the Uber driver extra for taking your phone away while you were drunk texting
So I was walking to the bathroom and some random dude threw up while walking towards me. He kept eye contact the entire time and didn't stop moving.
ya figured it'd be nice to explore the mythical world of sober sex i've heard so much about
i've often wondered how it works
Randomize
