We went to the police station completely hammered looking for you. Don't tell me I'm not a good friend.
Maybe you should have studied instead of worrying about who is going to have sex with you
People were stuck in the elevator screaming and freaking out. I banged on the door and yelled, "fire depart!" They got excited and then I ran away. lolz
It was good sex. She was screaming so much I didn't know whether or not my name was Matt or God.
Burger king has cupcake flavored milkshakes. God dammit America.
Thanks to this cookie, I have now eaten something other than skittles today.
It wasn't a threesome, it was me making out with one while looking at the other one screaming "does this make you jealous?"
It was drunk tag. I was Alice in wonderland chasing a ballerina who was chasing Lance Armstrong who had needles in his arms.
I know. I feel like I should be doing mature responsible adult things though. Like getting loans, working 60 hours every week and not eating burritos in bed, ya know?
Well when I got home you were sitting at the table eating cold, leftover taco meat. I'd say you were pretty far gone by that time.
I would totes reciprocate the nip pic, but I'm sick with a piece of tissue shoved up one of my nostrils and I'm just not feeling that ambitious. Sorry.
I don't want to be "that guy" but I may have accidentally sent a dick pic to your mom
The assignment was about the Industrial Revolution so I just screamed at them in a British accent all day. No, they didn't know I was hungover.
I just watched my high school guidance counselor pee in the backyard of this party.
You gotta do what you gotta do. Like how I gotta drive in the rain to go get chicken nuggets. I just gotta.
Randomize
