I called the bartender Mr. Intoxication last night. He thought it was funny until i threw up and blamed it on him
I just saw a man vacuming his front lawn. What is this world coming to?
all you did was keep googling "what time is it" over and over and over
I feel bad for the person that has to clean the dishes that I peed on last night.
2 bagels in my tummy and my herpes on my mind
She is sleeping in a dress because she's too drunk to put "real clothes" on
and then he put stevie wonder on to fuck to...and hummed along as I blew him
Bank of America: Available balance is $546.25 on 03/04/2011 for account 8428. Go online for details. TextSTOPtoStop/TextHELPforHelp
i loe djcudia fjxos rue.
We should invent fake asshair for you to wear so you can experience my pain for a day.
I mean, I thought you would respect me for turning your life around for the better. It seems just yesterday that I found you in a ditch with a cock in your mouth.
At the gym and this really hot trainer checked me out and was talking to his buddy about his workout. He then says "yeah man, like I'm doing so many reps- what's 7 times 7, 45?"
He was THIS close.
Apparently I was telling them, "I AM A STRONG INDEPENDENT WOMAN AND I DON'T NEED YOU TO HOLD MY HAIR," and I pulled my hair back and puked.
For now I'm a single mom monday-thursday and a drunk looking for dick the rest of the week
He fucks strippers and doesn’t have a life plan. Of course I’m going to regret this
Psssh like you wouldn't lick BBQ sauce off my nipples.
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