just spent the last 4 hours searching ex-girlfriend porn to make sure there are no photos of me
oh no you fucking didn't eat my mac and cheese you cunt
Things I have that belong to you: shorts, headband, bra, purse, chinese food, vodka, and blood on my jeans. Happy homecoming.
You should make cookies and when I get home we can have a slow motion hug and eat them
The moral of the story is do not hire me because everything will end up smelling like pickles and I will not sufficiently clean it up.
Sorry blacked out and lost my phone. Judging by the looks of my body I fought a cat and fell into a bush.
New Mean Girls drinking game: Everytime someone says Africa or Math, chug.
I just hit your bf in the face with a mustard bottle and the guy at the table next to us bowed down to me.
They just broke the window so they could get in and smoke the taxi driver out...
That was awkward , having sex with her while her husband watched via Skype. I'm a porn star or a target. Idk
my bed is a shrine, and I am its goddess.
He's my favorite late night booty call. He lives next to a Wendy's.
I haven't heard from him yet. He's either still asleep (which is entirely plausible..... There wasn't much sleeping happening last night) or he's robbing me blind. But I have renters insurance, so either way, I'm ok with it.
this strobe light makes my body turn on and off
It was only a blow job in his car. It's the same as giving a friend a back rub.
Randomize
