my grandmother thought she vaccuumed up a quarter so she made me open the bag, dump it out on her front lawn, and dig through it. no quarter.
dude, never let a drunk girl playbite your dick. the doctor came in laughed and left.
U just looked at me and said "wake me up when I'm done eating"
I mean, there was frosting being put on a tunafish sandwich. Pretty sure she knew we were high.
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I say we get drunk before the exam tomorrow. At least then we have a valid excuse for failing.
Omg I just met another drunk guy that is teaching me karate
Some advice...don't play drunk rock em sock em robots. With actual people. I have bruises EVERYWHERE.
I danced on the street to dubstep on a boombox for an hour with a lesbian single mother.
He practically cut off his thumb and she offered him a tampon to stop the bleeding
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theres 2 cans of open Campbell's soup on the counter and a note that says "guess which one is puke" ... want lunch?
I'm sending you the three minute video I jus took,....it's of me eating a pear up close
Trimming my pubes at 1 AM, drunk, listening to Stevie Ray Vaughn. What has become of me.
Jesus christ stop updating me about every aspect of your life.
Omg my butt feels so much better. Those suppositories are magic. It feels like Jesus fingered me in my sleep.
My aunt asked how many piercings I had and my mom said seven and I said nine and that's how my family found out I had my nipples pierced.
I realized it was late, and he was my brother in humanity and another incarnation of my own life force and consciousness, so I regained control of myself, thanked him for helping me, and went home.