Your date looks like the Cloverfield monster. good luck.
Let's just say there is a bloody hand print above my bed and it's not mine. Literally.
This is why you don't make out with cougars at a bar... I got a linkedin request from her, wtf?
Explain to me how "cheap asian titties" is a complement?
I found my underwear on the sidewalk 8 blocks from her house while on my walk of shame. I also found our beer bag and a full beer in the bush.
I have a gash on my leg an a lobster leg in my purse.
A guy dressed like Jesus just gave me a mini keg. Prayers really do come true.
My mom is lecturing me about 'invaluable housekeeping skills' while I google 'cocktails involving gin' on my phone. I can feel the generational gap looming in her silent judgment of my choices.
I'm in that weird half-dead, half fucked-simultaneously-in-every-orifice-by-a-bus-and-it-wasn't-a-good-time state.
Its official, if she bites your dick through your jeans, ya'll go together. A lesson you shouldn't have to learn after the fact.
sooo the guy I beat last night in strip pong is the manager's husband at my new job...
I woke up to a stripper (who added me on Facebook) messaging me reminding me to cancel my card if I can't find it
It was a "have 911 on speed dial" kinda night
Remember the random guy who licked my face when we were at the bar the other night?
Yeah. His name is Andrew. We just met
But once you are just right and I work my tongue in the right spots and hot wax your balls and inner thighs. I will have you right where I want you.
Who is this?
Oops wrong number
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