i thought i deleted your number from my phone...Wtf
so Mike and I made a deal. we'd do anal if he would help me pick out carpet tomorrow.
What...you let him do that?
It wasnt that bad. the two minutes it took is nothing compared to the 10 hr day I have planned for him tomorrow
Dude why does my asshole itch so bad?
I'll teach you how to wipe better
my neighbors garage sale is really cutting into the time of day when i can smoke weed on my deck.
When are you comin back?
probably mid next week, depending on when i finish my remaining half gallons
We have a tower of vodka coming. OF VODKA
i promise the blood crusted on your tits is from him motorboating you after he tripped into the pool stick. nothing else.
I think I just got a contact from my own exhale. Def dying.
it was like lady and the tramp only with a jello shot on the pool table
Remind me to switch to jello when you decide to do shots off my ass. It's so much easier to clean than this pudding.
So topless strobe light beer pong turned into me rugby tackling a bitch to the ground.my tits will never forgive me for sacrificing their majesticness for responsibility
Well, she yelled at the stripper that she couldn't lick whipped cream off his nipples because she is lactose intolerant.
Had a rough day but my boyfriend made that all better by going down on me while letting me watch Top Gear... I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow
He put his SoundCloud on his Tinder bio. I felt personally attacked.
You’d probably be happy to know that I think I’ve mastered the skill of knowing “my type” and then steering clear
FINALLY. I THOUGHT THIS DAY WOULD NEVER COME!
Randomize
