i just saw my boxers from 2 days ago stuck in a tree 4 miles from my house
A true measure of a good friend is how long she responds to her friends drunken illogical texts. Youre a champ.
We went to his house and he brought a jar of pickles to bed. I think im in love.
Just got a free shot w my beer...it's not quite 11am yet...I love international travel. These people aren't judgmental.
I'm so high I feel like I'm pedaling a bicycle but I'm laying on the couch. My body might be vibrating. I made soup.
I have the slightest memory of swinging a bag full of condoms over my head...
Mid way while flirting with this super hot chick at the bar, he gets up and says no thanks I'm only 19 and gay just waiting for my buddy to hurry up and get with your friend.
Just saw a huge group of people walk by in there in their underwear. Too stoned for this.
We should drive around in your Jeep on snow days and get stoned while we help random strangers stuck in the snow. So much good karma.
Nothing says casual like stairwell bjs
Just lectured your brother about using condoms when hooking up with girls he meets online. I should be a fucking life coach
Question #1: Why am I on my living room floor? Question #2: Where did the bloody footprints come from? Question #3: Why are there two McChickens next to the wine bottle?
Never underestimate the power of loudly proclaiming you want to make out with someone
You know your late night booty call was a huge fail when you go back to your car after it's over, and it's still warm.
Thank you for being so charming, but do you have syphilis?
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