I love you and miss you, which in no way dimishes how much I hate the person you turned out to be, but I still love and miss you.
Did u know that at any givin time there r 46,948,952 drunk people in the world? Were not alone
Never write on a napkin "my face, your boobs" with your phone number and give it to a girl. Just a tip of the day from my nightly experiences lol.
We need to hang out more often
Someone in my history class just FB messaged me saying they highly suggest I put my sunglasses on. He is sitting 18 rows in front of me...
I'm one shot of soco 100 away from fucking a mailbox
so yeah i told her you were going to become a doctor and the first thing she said was "i still don't want to fuck him". i tried.
Whatever, the fact of the matter is that I saved you from poorly planned outdoor sex by doing a rain dance and you should totally thank me.
I'm promoting my liver to CEO of my body cause it clearly works harder than anything else.
Of course it may just be the context. A dish of dog food would look lovely next to your breasts.
Ted is on HBO in 20 minutes...not sure if this or the drunken dance party I had at the bar to a N*SYNC Christmas song 20 minutes ago is the highlight of my week so far.
Just learned a valuable lesson today. Don't open snap chats from 3 am the next morning while sitting next to a small child. They totally saw your dick.
You're never the same once you're dry humped on the frat house floor
Jungle juice breakfast? No? Ok.
You told everyone to shut up then told the officer that you are 21 when you drink.
Just used the word fistfucking in a serious conversation with my professor in front of the class, while making an appropriate and valid point. Win.
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