I couldn't deal, she's a vegetarian. Every woman should like a little meat in their mouths.
I think he was having a seizure but nobody knew because 'what is love' was playing
You kept buying everyone Washington apple shots, and telling us we needed to support local produce.
Screw this I'm going to go talk to her. If you hear sirens they're for me.
Is all white too much for court to prove my innocents?
he's my ex-boyfriend's best friend... he tried to make out with me to prevent me from hitting his friend. then they almost fought about it.
teach me your ways.
It's like....nice talking about real estate but your son gave me herpes
This honesty session brought to you by jagermeister inc.
Hey we need to step our game up. Dad has us beat; he stole a vending machine once.
im suggesting it to him. and by suggesting i mean we're not having sex again unless im wearing high heels
i'm laying here naked in a pile of empty landshark bottles, is lauren still hiding under the toilet?
Did you really get up in the middle of a tattoo to go get Taco Bell?
I'm coming right back.
His penis looked like how I would imagine Satan's pinky finger.
Tomorrow is my favorite texting day of the year... It's where I send every guy I've had sex with this past year a text saying "happy not a Father's Day" and we laugh and I get so much dick it's wonderful.
it was like reliving my childhood drunk at a bar.
Randomize
