you need to not memorize your credit card number for drunk pizza
a drug dealer just gave me his business card. it had his face on it drinking a 40oz
I woke up after 12 hours of being wildly intoxicated, got jizz on my face, and woke up in a different bed than I passed out in. My makeup is still perfect. I'm writing Revlon a thank you note.
Just because your phone has a case on it doesn't mean it will survive a 5 story drop out the window.
My roommate just called. He's in Miami and has no idea how he got there. He also has a ticket to Buenos Aires that he can't explain. I figured you'd have the explanation.
This weekend is gunna be a fucking shitshow. I don't even wanna know how many dicks will end up inside of me
i was drunk enough to give the cab driver my number when he said "you talk like you like guys"
I fell asleep in my underwear on the deck. What the fuck.
This was the best text I've ever woken up to
Oh no that was the time I did the walk of shame with no shoes
My goal is to be drunk before we even get out of the No Wake Zone.
Would it be weird if I bought knee pads and shin guards to fuck in my car?
I shaved my balls for you. Do you have any idea how hard that is?
I feel like I shouldn't be encouraging my friends to hook up with their teachers.....but if it's for academic reasons....then I definitely encourage it.
Hey so I got my period
Thank god I wasn't ready to deal with sober you for 9 months
He unofficially told me he deleted his tinder because of me. I think that’s a pretty romantic gesture in 2018
Randomize
