We had sex on the first date...do you think he thinks I'm a whore?
Yes and so do I
She challenged me to a game of rock-paper-scissors for her virginity. I love this girl.
Her best friend sent her a random hate text and the song they played at her father's funeral came on the radio. I just got cock blocked by the universe
my step dad just called me a drunken slut..someone in my family finally understands me
you looked up at me mid puke with tears in your eyes and asked to make sure no one took your turn at Wii
Bad news is I found gravy in my nightstand again.
ripping the fire alarm off the wall probably seemed like a better idea last night than it really was.
Stop making Mac and cheese and sit on his face. FINISH HIM
DOMA is dead. I'm definitely going to be the last of our friends to get married now.
Nothing says "I Love you" like my dick in a pizza box
If it's any consolation, I made really strong brownies yesterday and had 3 and then I saw demons
And they're not making a turkey. My cousin was "hoping to shoot a bird this week"
I just sneeze out a chunk of leftover pickle I threw up last night. dont you try and tell me your day is going worse
I literally wonder, frequently, "Will anyone ever fuck me until i go cross eyed for 2 hours again?''
i have to pee so bad and he is sleeping and idk where the bathroom or my clothes are!!!
Randomize
