Tell me I did not drive one hour for whiskey dick.
she just took adderol and chased it w dog water
security doesn't like it when we pee on cars. or maybe just not theirs?
At least I tried to be smart when I brought the alarm clock into the bathroom just in case I fell asleep.
I picked the lock on the bathroom door and sang him a song while he pooped. Why is he mad?
The cabbie told us to at least pretend we weren't doing coke while he was driving
I just stuck my fingers down her throat so she could puke. I mean what are friends for
Oh my god she just threw up on her dog
Is it weird that I want to have sex wearing my glasses and lab coat while having an actual scientific discussion?
i've written a new chapter in the saga of unexpected dongs
Somewhere out there, on several phones belonging to strangers, exists a video of me rapping Baby Got Back on stage in four inch heels that I stole from the drag queen. Also I made out with the chick with the octopus tattoo.
You have the best birthdays
Wine is the only reason I'm making it in the real world
look when god gives you a dick that good for his son's birthday you don't question it
He just showed up in boxer briefs and loafers with only his phone and condoms
u woke up and asked who took ur pants off then realized u did n almost cried over not gettin layed
She just kept feeding people pretzels and sayying "You're such a good goldfish."
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