today is like waiting for pizza day in elementary school, but with sex added
You just kept mumbling, "Shit shit shit, the muffin man owes me money." Repeatedly.
Come, dress lightly, bring tequila...
The moral of the story is do not hire me because everything will end up smelling like pickles and I will not sufficiently clean it up.
I left his apartment Bc I lost my id. Wandered 5 miles barefoot. Got lost in downtown la. My phone died so I asked for directions from a man at the gas station.. Turns out he was a bum. He led me back to the apartment AND he found my id.
It's like the whiskey god was watching over you
we shared soup. that is literally the extent of my romantic life right now
...You tried to use your wallet to call her after you gave your cell phone to the cab driver as a "peace offering"
I consider any night I don't make out with someone a bad night. So I've been great.
I threw up off of your balcony and it must have been loud because the dog downstairs went insane.
he offered me cocaine within 5 minutes of my arrival. yes of course i'm keeping him
Just masturbating and watching Sports Center...is this what it's like to be a guy?!
I just want him to go down on me while I eat a burger. Is that too much to ask?
I could have been on my second lucrative divorce by now, but nooooo, I had to be a strong independent woman.
I FUCKED WHEELCHAIR DUDE
HE'S INTO WEIRD SHIT
GOOD KIND OF WEIRD SHIT
It was a "have 911 on speed dial" kinda night
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