I wish you could order shots online.
you know that hot chick that stutters? talk about an awkward orgasm
So then I sent a pic msg of the Magnum XL box to her friend
Just got to school and somone already mentioned the amount of cereal im carrying.
Counseling BFF to break up with her BF. We will get that 3-way
The timing couldn't have been better if I planned it. His mom walked away, I vomited in their mulch, and then his mom came back and offered me bread.
You left me on the phone while you grabbed a plastic bag and started puking. I recorded it. Its my new ringtone for you
Remember the 3 things that are off limits? They're fair game if you get here in the next 5 minutes
Target doesn't accept your signature for your credit card if you draw a dick on the pad. Even of your name is Richard.
Sweet. Warning: i have been drinking at work since 4. Plan accordingly.
All these girls I talk to are like I've never had a hangover and I'm like you don't drink right here let me show you
Well, when you bump into your parents at a swingers meetup, it's time to change cities
Just realized I've gone to court three different times with papers and a joint roller in my briefcase. #lawyeroftheyear
I just smoked a bowl alone and took my Zyrtec here's to a full night.
Omg I just smoked and it was the end so I basically got resin and death, my throat feels like the twilight vampire description of their thirst for blood
Randomize
