All she gave me for breakfast was raw toast. How can she expect me to eat raw toast?
You mean bread?
The reason halloween exists is because it's not cheating if you're wearing a costume.
just had sex with a midget and didnt wrap it... were totally gonna have a tv show :)
Everyone is in jail. I'll see what i can do though
We're cuddling on the couch that me and his brother had sex on...this feels wrong
about to tell this girl that sh'es my teenage dream. you have 15.358s to stop me.
Just calculated that for my last final tomorrow I need 120% to improve my grade and 53% to keep it..buying 30 packs now, go get dressed
Nyquil jello-shots aiding in health and happiness
i just want to be sober by dinner like is that too much to ask
We fucked through the entire Destiny's Child album, it was a beautiful thing.
I was trying to climb into what I thought was a bunk bed.. Turns out it was just a cabinet under the sink in a bathroom
Right now I'm standing in front of my fridge, drinking wine out of the bottle and eating cold steak with my hands. I am THE BEST at being single.
She asked me to dress as captain planet for halloween and told me she was gonna suck the pollution out of my dick.
At this point it's more of an experiment to see how much actual bush growth is possible. See, being single can be both educational and surprisingly comfy!
My credit card got frozen due to suspicious activity. "Let's go over your recent transaction history... it looks like these are all at bars." BITCH, DON'T JUDGE MY MONDAY NIGHTS.
Randomize
