the girl next to me just texted someone in her phone named Optimus Prime
...i wonder what he did to earn that nickname
He shit in the bushes next to the pool at the Venetian, after throwing up in the hallway. You really can do anything in Vegas.
just overheard a conversation that ended in "and that's what I learned in France" How could that not have been about sex
Breaking personal boundaries is my trademark
Thanks for not stopping me when I decided to call my mom at 2 in the morning to ask her where I was born
I mean... It's a win/win situation. I mentor the kid for an hour and then I get to fuck his mom. I know deep down I'm helping them both
I dunno. Last time I went there I had got sexually propositioned by a Belgian prince.
So the night ended when we tried making fireworks out of gunpowder and oregano. You can figure out how that went.
Just had to find a way to explain to the border patrol that we were coming into canada "for about a half hour to have one last under 21 drink before kendals birthday at midnight." He said ok and told us where the closest bar was. Nice man.
So another one of your girlfriends from middle school had a baby. Thank god you are gay, otherwise you would definitely be a dad by now.
Showing up to Easter hungover, late, and covered in black an blues from pole dancing. Daughter of the year.
Clearly I was drunk when I met them I gave them a muffin. But they sure remembered me
hooked up with someone last night while wearing walrus pajama pants. clearly I'm accomplishing big things in life
You wanna know what I want to eat? Questionable Mexican food before I go drink. Makes for excitement. Will I puke it up or shit my pants
No no. Thank you. Killed multiple birds with one penis.
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