the ***** family is living proof that there are no more lifeguards in the humen gene pool
saw my dad's penis on the x-ray last night. at least his hip wasn't broken
ok think of it like jelly beans. if you can learn to like the licorice ones, youll always have lots of them because no one else wants them. its the same with fat chicks
I just saw Sharon Stone's cootch in high def. I think I'll stay gay.
Just thought you should know in my puerto rico drunkenness yesterday I signed my dogs name on the bar tab. cruise = success
We should see who can shotgun a beer faster over iPhone FaceTime
He said something pertaining to Ragu and vodka I'm worried
He yelled out my full name in bed...I felt like I was being scolded.
Ok roommate is officially weird. Just watched her microwave the same broccoli 3 times in a row and cry b/c she fucked it up. Wtf lol
So I just did the math and everything in this room except the computer and my clothes has been in my vagina
Captain Morgan didnt let me down when i stand up it feels like the world is trying to hand me rainbows.
Invite that kid who wants to become a priest. I WANT ON.
You're a Heat fan? You lose any chance blowjob bc of your poor choice.
Did you take the full box of samoas or do I not remember getting baked and eating half a box by myself?
I spent the entire night stroking his hair. He was cool with it. Never thought a ginger stoner would help me work through my social anxiety but here we are.
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