I did something stupid with eggs call me when you get up. Cops were also involved.
Just so you know, I have a bf.
I guess as long as you bring single girls over and cook cannolis you will still be useful.
at least he left the skimmer on the side of the pool so i could fish out my thong in the morning
i found the one person in the world who takes longer to cum than i do... mutual dissatisfaction is probably not the best foundation for a relationship.
Everything gets a little fuzzy after the flats of jello shots, but I do have a vague recollection of being at the top of a large human pyramid
It's not that drunk me is smarter; it's that sober me is secretly playing for the other team.
They just called to see if he wanted to come in at 2am for overtime. He's trashed. He literally carried on a 10 minute convo with his boss about woodchucks. As in the animal
Due to certain anatomical proportions it was less like fucking and more like childbirth.
Woke up in a pile of people on the floor. His dad was already up and ask me to help him cook bacon because "7 lbs can be a mother fucker"
I either need to get adopted or have someone's baby, but I'm joining that family
She looked up at the menu and yelled this is my absolute favorite literacy
In honor of Dennis Farina dying, I'm offering up free mustache rides...2 takers so far.
I'm trying to poop and took acid, this is going to end horrid or wonderful. Oh the amusement park, not the pooping.
I'm way too sober and people are way too heterosexual
Yeah it got awkward when the two guys we were playing beer pong against realized that I'd hooked up with both of them. Their teamwork declined after that.
There will be plenty of opportunity for me to sexualize Mike via VenMo.
Randomize
