this is the second time this summer that a girl has called me a ken dol
you shouldn't let them see you without your pants on
I was eating out this girl yesterday and when I finished, she asked me if I wanted to take any home with me. She was serious, dude!
What does that even mean?
I'm drinking Dom Perignon from the bottle with a straw just to piss of some french dude.
I was blowdrying my hair this morning and I swear to god it smelled like franzia
Our idea of a "deep conversation" was successfully forming complete sentences.
Ryan learned the all important lesson tonight; Red Bull gives you wings, Jaeger gives you gravity.
We're at the urgent care down the street from you if you care to stop by
It's been a year of occasional hook ups....this was bound to happen sometime even with your jank ovary schedule.
You just stood up, raised your glass and said, "I'd like to thank the academy" then fell through a glass table. THAT'S why we cut you off.
Your brother slept on my deck. There was a key under the mat. Relapse party success.
I call him Seabiscuit because he's my trusty steed
You were a cyclone of alcohol and bad decisions - like a gay Tazmanian devil
I literally woke up walked into the bathroom, threw up and died this morning. Then went to my 8am.
He's just been a dick since he set his face on fire. I just wanted to eat a fucking hot dog.
did you know that sneaking into a golf course at midnight is a felony? the cop made sure to tell us after she peed on the course and hit on him
I wouldn't have found her if it wasn't for the vomit trail leading into my brother's room.
Randomize
