Three questions. How does a tomato drive a car, how does an asparagus play a guitar, and how am I still so high that I chose to watch Veggie Tales?
you told the cop you blew a .08 because you ate poppy seeds
she definitely blew him on the riverbank, some lady floated past and said "have some pride honey", amazingly awkward
i distinctly remember leaping through the apartment to rescue the clam chowder burning in the kitchen
Jerry just sent me this: IOR GHIT ALL THE BUTTIB. Go get him. Now.
How did the whale quest end up? I saw u hit a little snag when the first one heard you call her that.
Just fell asleep during a bikini wax. Thank god for day drinking.
The guy I met last night said we had a real connection and gave me his AA coin because he met me during his relapse
You were pouring Patron into the window of the squad car trying to get the police dog to drink it
So thats why that cop beat my ass?
Probably
I just googled, "how to do boob makeup" thats the kind of night I wanna have.
fond memories of taking my pregnancy test here in this Burger King
You were wearing a cookie monster onesie and telling everyone you were actually the sausage monster..
On the bright side I still got laid
You ghosted you're own booty call. Wow what a sad sad man.
bonging vodka is the same level of "good idea" as eating machetes
I just want to feed you taquitos and play with your boner and live happily ever after
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