It was kinda weird being the boss
Did you feel like Tony Danza?
508, what difference does it make? You were alone, anyway.
hey babe. i'll pick you up in my mom's car. with my mom. she has nothing to do tonight.
Just pulled over to throw up in a day care parking lot while the kids were outside playing. The adults were mortified.
Why's my alcoholism being used to prove a point?
He likes Jesus. Game over.
Oooh wait, he just told me he was high.
could you please explain to me why my jumper cables are on my bedroom floor?
My ex just sent me a message asking if she could blow me, but only if we get caught by her new bf. If she promises to swallow I'm doing it.
Found out it was only pneumonia. We celebrated hydrocodone cough syrup. Two long island ice teas at lunch and the random white powder we found in her purse. Mother of the year award.
Either I'm deep cleaning my apartment out of severe academic procrastination or I'm subconsciously nesting and need to take a pregnancy test.
It's like a squid of pain has attached to my head and it spreading it's whorey tentacles all over.
I always ask when they're due. It's the nicest way for me to let her know the rest of the world can tell she's putting on weight too
I was hammered helping a pregnant woman at the gas station name her unborn child. We had to try everything with two different last names because she was waiting on the results of her paternity test.
so we were doing it and I was like umm hi im losing my virginity can you take off your beanie
Just in case you forgot, you puked all over your boss house, pissed on his coffee table, and were then thrown out by his wife
Randomize
