I just got really nervous and swallowed all of my birth control
I just want you to know that were having pizza delivered to the emergency room
Its the little things i like about bein home like having actual toilet paper instead of subway napkins
Dude you picked up her Chihuahua and threatened to kill it yelling "it's not cinco de mayo, bitches"
so apparently i worked out for over an hour last night. drinking is the only way i will ever get anything done
I'm having a flashback of telling a guy that he was beautiful and graceful like a unicorn while playing shuffleboard.
I still don't know why you took that job... it sounds miserable
not having any beer money sounds even more miserable
"Every minute you spend hanging out with David is a minute you could spend meeting someone new, who isn't a huge douche" - Buddha
So you're mad that you saw a penis at a swinger's party? That's rational
I have woke up on a strange couch, in a strange house, on another campus. Can you Friend-Find me and pick me up?
Dude. My tinder just blew up in Seattle. I'm moving here. I don't give a fuck
My sweat smells like Wild Turkey. I'm really feeling the holiday spirit.
I'm still, like... really stoked about not having any STDs
I threw my back out having sex last night. I don’t know whether to high five myself for a job well done or cry because I’m old.
Hurry I'm alone dressed like a prostitute eating French fries.
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