i just saw an asian skipping down the street and it made me think of you
i'm like carrie bradshaw but prettier and with a penis
every time i get drunk at her place i end up leaving with nothing but an empty box of toaster strudels..
well tonys high enough to be moving from spot to spot around the kitchen shooting tortellini into a boiling pot and yelling "KING JAMES" whether he makes or misses it.
just put an icicle in the bong. best/worst idea ever. i think i can taste global warming right now.
He passed out. Woke up long enough to declare himself "the sauce boss" and then bit me in the face.
I need a gatorade, my back cracked, my crimper, my shot glass, a sock of rice and an explanation.
You did this to yourself.
Hey to make you feel better about last night, I just shit my pants.
Do you ever wonder what the men who we shamelessly objectify would think if they saw our texts in regard to them?
You want to groom your chest hair? You mean with a little baby chest hair brush? Because that sounds adorable.
Batteries died. I don't care that you're studying for the bar. Come over. Bring the law books and study after. I'll even make coffee.
A man can only lie in bed watching COPS for so long before he wants to do things that can lead him to starring on the show.
My frontal lobe is being piloted by Jack Daniels right now.
I made it to work. Still drunk. Definitely pregnant.
I'm not sure of this happened or if it was just a dream... But I vividly remember you walking down the street naked?
No actually I had socks on...
Randomize
