Why do I always have sex on the first date when I know it demotes me to booty call girl?
you kept spraying the cat with water and then telling it to "man up" when it cried
He literally didn't stop until I lost count of how many times he made me orgasm. It took three hours.
totally worth getting kicked out for trying to throw my drink on lindsay lohans ankle bracelet.
It's tuesday, which means cocktails followed by cocktales.
If you haven't seen a huge black man in tiny red snowflake shorts that barely cover his dick, then you don't know what I'm going through.
When I see myself in tank tops and push up bras I seriously wonder why I'm not President.
That feels better than graduating college or that time I tried to ride a llama. Did you know they really spit?
I found out he put two potatoes in a jar because he wants to make his own vodka.
This is your morning-after text courtesy of your very confused friend!! :) To discuss "what the hell were you trying to tell me last night," press 1. To laugh over your drunken antics, press 2. To pretend like none of it even happened (or to respond with concurrent confusion because you have no idea), press 3.
Liquor doesn't fix sad, but it sure as hell lowers my standards for a rebound.
Leave it to me to pull up my boyfriend’s grandfather’s obituary just to find out the name of his sister.
What's rude is him not accepting my blowjob offer. What kind of guy denies that.
Ryan. I woke up. At the neighbors house. And by the neighbors. I mean the ones to the north. The ones that hate us. Please call me. I am so confused and you are gone
At the neighbors house?! Like in it or outside???
In it on the fucking couch. No idea how i got here.
His dick is social distance approved
Social distance approved?
big enough for me to fuck from six feet away
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