the new apple iphone has a feature that can find itself if you lose it, apple is getting closer to making a phone completely drunkproof...
i hate that you can chart my weight gain through my facebook pictures.
im trying to make cookies in the george foreman
So apparently when he was telling people he was in Alaska for 6 months he was actually in jail
idk but i have you stored in my phone as 'guy with beard doing body shots'
Im pretty sure you told the waiter at Dennys last night to take your pants off or show a nipple.
Is putting "Tonight I'm Fucking You" on my date playlist too forward?
I guess the study abroad went badly, I gave him a joint and he just smoked it and cried all the way from the airport
I'm not trying to be dramatic but if someone makes you choose between getting a Brazilian or dying. For the sake of your sanity just fucking die
Sarah's knitting me a hat as an apology for unknowingly making out with my boyfriend
I love it when he cheats on me with nice people
He started saying the pledge of allegiance so his boner would go down. Merica.
All I remember is an overwhelming desire for chicken nuggets...
Yes, you pinned my brother to the floor by the throat and threatened to slaughter his family if he didn't drive to mcdonalds and get you some.
Boys winking, cowboys tipping their hats, old people looking disappointed.... ah, I had forgotten the unholy powers of exposed cleavage!
You are my hero.
Its safe now. But... Nobody should sleep on my bed tonight.
My parents are being so annoying about my colon.
Randomize
