So when jo picked me up from the bar I kept apologizing and kept telling her "I'm just a wittle donut"
So I have to ask... did I meet your lumberjack expectations? I mean, minus the red flannel and all.
I fell off the front porch last night. Actually.. I dove. I dove off the front porch.
You need to find a way to go down on me and lick my toes at the same time
I'll google it
True as that may be, are you coming to the birth of my imaginary child or not?
Doctor just prescribed me 20mg Ritalin 3 times a day. It's becoming the "grain and oats" section of my food triangle.
do you want me to tag you in the pics from the party?
Hmm. Use your judgment. Bootlicking pics are probably not ok. Otherwise fine.
I am currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
make that a herd of moose. they will be my moose minions
I need to be more functional. That doesn't mean I'm going to drink less, I just need to wake up and shit
Fell asleep naked on the recliner spooning with my organic chemistry book. The fact that I made it through four years of college is proof that the education system is fucked.
He convinced the breakfast vendor to melt twix bars on bacon for me at 4am. He slurred every word. I think I found my prince charming.
Times have changed. Freshman year I could throw my shirt in a bonfire and still get laid. Now when I puke in my girlfriend's bed on her birthday I'm "an asshole"
We were walking to the bar with a group of people and literally made 4 stops in people's lawns garages or random walls for him to eat me out
Well, you started screaming "I dont know you GO AWAY" to your mom when she was holding your hair as you threw up in her garden.
Randomize
