guess who just got paired up at the beer pong table with the fat girl who's nipples are hanging out...
You go to school with some of the ugliest girls I've ever seen... How are you not getting laid?
Have you ever seen a midget fist pump? BEST. THING. EVERRRRR.
Just used my cancer results to get a free lap dance. Great day just got better.
Hangover cure: shower, throw up again, sleep for 4 hours, eat salsa, brush teeth. Good to go.
Drinks appeared in front of me. Who am I to deny destiny? And by destiny, I mean free drinks, which appear by magic.
Neighbor who got arrested at 3am just said he'd split the $ with me if I testify as the witness in his police brutality trial. He was also holding a baby and a case of beer.
This is most sickening thing I've ever seen, and I threw up my body weight in jello shots on my birthday.
Dang. We need a girls trip ASAP. Preferably in a country who has even lower standards than us on a Friday night.
We watched scrubs, then I got a shower blowjob which led to shower sex and the living room floor sex. Now she's baking cookies. I may not be studying, but I'm doing something right.
I'm still confused. So he's NOT your cousin by blood, but WAS your cousin, on two separate occasions, by marriage? Still too weird I think...
So dude comes out in a full body leotard and a wand and announced he's king of the gays. Chicago is a weird but fun place
Because it's not worth it. And there is no nice way of saying "sorry, you're not good enough at sex for me to drive 45 mins"
My new years resolution is going to be to stop drunk snapchatting old hook ups asking them when we're going to bang again
He ate me out on a washing machine in the 24 hour laundromat. Whoever watches that security camera footage is getting a show!
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