i just woke up with two martini umbrellas taped to my nipples... idk how they got there
i take joy in having bigger boobs than others
you woke up, pulled a beer bottle out of your pants..took a drink and went back to sleep.
so, i drunkenly called my religious roomie because i was lost and told her if she couldn't come find me, jesus would condemn her to hell for not leading me to the light .. too much?
I take that as "no I'm not driving you to the bar in a blizzard"
Im deleting that text because its a possible ncaa violation
Wow, nothing is more special than changing the channel and seeing the guy who groped you on Saturday night...
I told him to keep his feelings in his pants because they're annoying and to just fuck me.
The drunk fake out is her specialty. She'll agree to come with us and two seconds later we check to make sure she's still there and we see her booking it down the hall in the opposite direction.
I want to get "Patrick Kane" wasted tonight
I am one hundred percent down for that
I told him that I wanted his dick like I wanted a jumbo hot dog. There something wrong with my priorities
I just sustained a forearm injury dancing to salt n peppa in my kitchen. Fack. I pushed it real good.
Sorry I peed on your ottoman
They also submitted to my demands for pizza
How you run into a glAss door three times in a row I do not know
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