I think i peed on brittanys purse
he drunkenly confessed to whacking off before coming over so the sex'd be longer. this one's a keeper
I wasted my skinny years on you. The least you can do is high five me at the bar
I had a dream last night that you and me were eating cheesecake and according to my FATHER I was moaning really loud in my sleep. I seriously have issues.
I have a broken liver
I see that the whole "let's take a break from drinking" has worked out really well for us.
is there a way to sugar-coat "shes in jail" when someone is texting me asking where their friend is?
YOU'RE FORCING ME TO BLOW A GUY BY NOT ANSWERING MY CALLS
I may have just made our entire microwave glow green. Like big green. Like spark and make me shit green.
Like worse than the time I blew up the microwave with the egg green.
Life without a bra equals bliss.
I wrote a pretty good eulogy, too. Motherfucker pastor had no sense of comedic timing.
I cuddled with a man named Pickles
I felt like I crashed a wedding. Everyone was dressed so nice and I was covered in actual dirt and a little blood.
this morning's inventory: a top hat, two empty bottles of everclear, half a slim jim, cigars, tiara, pot necklace, and some fishnets. and that's just my purse.
I just found a ladybug shell in my underwear. What was I doing last night?
Pray for me.. I'm like the lonely vagina in a sea of sworming dicks
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