Who would have guessed that ordering a vodka lemonade at Roscoe's was code for I want a hand job
You can't special order awesome
Jack off faster Americas best dance crew is beyonce themed
when i'm not drinking i'm making facebook events about drinking
Sometimes to bang a cougar u gotta play wii With her kids
it was like brushing your tongue but with a fucking long toothbrush.
I love how you are more concerned with what i call my penis than the fact i wanna bone some high school chicks
Why would vodka do this to me? I've always been loyal
Friends dont let friends get hit with a flaming baton without warning
I have got to stop assigning last names to girls I get numbers from based on what I think will remind me of them... Sarah Petrydish is not an acceptable memory trigger
Drunk me cleaned my room for me. Needless to say our relationship has improved greatly
Remember when I said "no boyfriend, no problems"? I lied. Tequila. Tequila is a problem.
Whatever. I am not explaining the physics of my dick slapping.
Hey where the fuck is the rest of my beer? Lets start this day off right
You ask too many questions when I'm blowing you. You're like a dentist asking how my day has been during a cleaning.
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