roommate just walked in on us. two and a half times. the half, she just knocked, sighed, and walked away.
I guess what I'm trying to say is you've fucked more people than the economy.
the line runs infront of fredricks of hollywood. it's like gamestop is showing me how pathetic I am.
I just had to google "How do I get semen stains off of drywall." I'm relatively proud of this
my coworker just texted me asking if i remember pissing in the mop bucket at the gas station
tried doing a cartwheel after 10 beers. Guess who has a dislocated shoulder.
Every pair of shorts I try on makes me look like some kind of powerful lesbian wizard.
That is like, the point of shorts
You forgot your "boyfriend" from last night on my couch. You're suppose to bring that shit with you.
Should I be concerned you put your last name in my phone as "danger"?
So it's ironically funny that my psychiatrist's office and my cocaine dealer's house are on the same street
Woke up pants less in the vacant apartment across the hall. It was unlocked because they were showing it to someone. When they walked in I woke up and said "this is a great place to live" and walked out
I need to stop getting so drunk at bowling
She fucked my eyebrows.. I've never had that done before.
Wait... Plucked, or Fucked?
Fucked, but I understand your need to clarify
My freshman suitemate just walked into the kitchen to find my fuck buddy making chicken enchiladas without me anywhere to be found. Awkward or awesome?
I just sharted for the first time in my life. Age 33. Lying in bed. Sober. 2021 is off to a great start!
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