Call me in 2 minutes and go along with what I say. You're hysterical and I must go comfort you asap. He just asked if I was ready to experience sex with a wizard and he wasnt kidding.
Dude, this old lady messaged me on Facebook talking about her grandson and wanted to know shit about me. I'd almost call her a cougar except she looks like mashed potatoes that have come alive.
his mom and i are swapping prescript pills..totally mother in law material.
Im only slightly posetive that left over guacamole and wine are unacceptable for breakfast at 6.30 am
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I'm going to die alone in a sea of empty vodka bottles and cats.
did she really put a helmet on, try to make a hole in the wall then pass out on the floor ten minutes later? if thats true ill be there in 15
Were playing beruit winners pelt losers with eggs
Oh god I just realized bird face had che Guevara tattooed on her upper arm. Deals off, readivised opinion
No. I either had a 6 minute orgasm or I had so many I lost count. I'm still not sure.
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I was puking in the bathroom when my fake tooth fell off of my retainer so I just walked out of the bar and didn't say goodbye to my date
I'm gonna face reality, tomorrow morning is not on my hungover agenda.
There can only be one screw up per family and I was here first. Get your shit together bro
im not letting a little injury get in the way of my alcoholic/drug problems. we ARE getting turnt tonight.
Was make out with a 38 year old lesbian on our bucket list? if it was you can go ahead and cross that one off.
Soooo, hypothetically, how long would roommates have to sleep together before its considered dating...
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