You're going to have to start masturbating with your left hand. Or with someone's vagina
I dont know why I dont listen to you more often. He wont stop texting me. And his signature is "dancing with no panties on"
What did you want me to do? You know I don't like fat people. I'm an asshole to them sober it only gets worse when I'm drunk
That doesn't make it okay! You tried kicking the girl's mom out where we were having the party at!
The sign in front of ihop says "designated drivers get half off their order"
The only coherent words in the 6 texts i recieved were don't, cute, fucking, beer, and lions
I'm pretty sure that I'm earning a horrible reputation with your friends, but I'm having a fucking great time in the process.
Recent Google searches: "babu kangarooz"... "why 2 tacos bell" and "is dinosaur in real life"
Does the blue bra belong to your sister or cousin?
Other than a hickey from some random Canadian roller derby girl, I came out unscathed
Please rescue me. but take your time, im getting pizza
So apparently using the emergency exit of the bar as a bathroom is frowned upon in this establishment...
Dude, there are some things that you can't un-see. Her, beached on a dog bed, is one of them.
If my eyeballs could make a sound to describe how they feel they would just say uhhhhhhhhggggggghhhhhh.
All I’ve had today is sex and water. I think it’s time for tacos.
Dude, running 15 min late.
Let's play a game, you pay for all the drinks I can finish before you get here. Go.
Randomize
