My unemployment check should really just be direct-deposited into the checking account of my drug dealer
Whoa, Gary Coleman died
Whatchu talkin bout?!?!
Too soon.
When are you comin back?
probably mid next week, depending on when i finish my remaining half gallons
We found them in a dumpster making out trying to get their privacy
This is how I ended up being the slutty friend isn't it?
im destined to be single forever. i hope its okay if your kids come and hang out with my cats.
Man my junk looks like a mangled grapefruit right now, this shit sucks.
They don't even know who I am but they just woke me up with maracas and invited my boobs to a kegger
Oh hey. I left my beer there. Beer is more important than my pride. I want to pick that up.
His crazy is a thing to be cherished
I have never lost more friends than while playing Uno drunk.
I dipped out before he woke up, but I made sure to take the pizza with me.
I don’t mind that he’s uncircumcised. It’s the fact that he talks about the Bible immediately after we have sex .
last night i was way too drunk and i was forcing people to let me tell them about mammals
Fruitcakes are only good for throwing at neo Nazis.
Randomize
