How was the bike ride?
Nope. High in the basement. Fruit cups.
I peed in my sheets during a dream. Like straight up. A whole new drunk.
theres a new barista at starbuck holy fuck she's hot
i want to face-plant into her vagina
I think I'll handle my grief by throwing myself headlong into lesbianism. Seems like a fitting tribute to you.
think he just told me if I need to shit I should go outside.
So to recap Superbowl Sunday - I won $100, bumped into the anti-christ and his cult, met a guy in a kilt and a wican, then got invited to a gayguy afterhours party.
Gonna be tough to beat that next year!
I woke up in a lawn chair by the lake to some man revving his boat motor at me.
I'm convinced he's the patron saint of oral sex
Well its all fun and games until you get naked with your ex in the shower. that's NOT flirting
MILK DIDN'T HELP. IT'S NOT HELPING
To show us how offended you were you took off the right foot of your pterodactyl suit and proceeded to attack us with it.
Know we haven't talked but having an orgy party on the 20th if you're interested. If not, disregard this text.
Who is this?
my underwear is inside out , I have a giant hickie. I'm wearing last nights makeup. this is going to be the best day at work ever
sooo, that video of you eating lasangna with the strobe going magically reappeared on my phone
Blunts beyotch
What? Joints? Blunts?
I'll refer you to my previous text: "Blunts beyotch"
Randomize
