My mom gets in bar fights. She doesn't go to bed early.
I meant the "stage" gay, Not the "bend me over and call me Gary" gay.
If I saw her on the street and didn't know about the two of them, I would think the only way she'd ever find love was if she somehow found her way to middle earth and an orc took her in
we are going to smoke at least three blunts before we go see Cloudy with a chance of meatballs. I'm going to have my mom make us spaghetti for when we get out so can your mom make those spicy meatballs? I thought I'd give you 9 days notice so everything's perfect.
I swear to god I'm going to hunt down and stab the next telemarketer that calls from a blocked number while I'm waiting for my STD results...
Some random slut told me I was a good dancer then gave me a handjob. I felt like fucking John Travolta.
you cant ever make fun of my bong's stick on moustache again. its the reason the cop let me keep it and my weed.
I apparently insisted on hugging all the bushes and apologizing for pollution on the way home.
I'm not really made for random hookups.. i'm like a swan.. i don't wanna have random swan sex. i just wanna have one swan hubby and fly around the world together and eat bread that people throw at us..
I'm having a really difficult time dealing with the fact that my dog now shares a name with Snooki's crotch-spawn.
I've somehow found myself in an emotionally abusive relationship with a married man who gives me drugs.
My life is quickly turning into a Lifetime movie.
What's Spanish for "I shouldn't have worn these underwear to work?"
THE SUPER HOT BARTENDER WHO LOOKS LIKE RYAN GOSLING JUST WALKED IN. BUT HE DOESNT EVEN WALK HE GLIDES. LIKE AN ANGEL.
Okay, yeah, judgmental guy at 7/11. I'm buying g wine at 10:20 in the morning. You wanna fight about it?
There's a point in life when you've got to take dick like a big girl.
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