if this week's events in iraq have taught me anything, it's that when pulling out, always expect a mess...
so i woke up.. still drunk and discovered my roommate in the living room passed out dick-in-hand watching porn..
What did u do?
turned the porn up and opened the windows so everybody goin to class could see him..
I should show up to the gym drunk more often. I felt like i really motivated all the fat people.
All I can see in the pic you sent is white shorts...
Thas my pasnts in colleg! Tehy glow! AND SMELL LIKE BEER!
he ran through my sliding door
in his defense that door gets complicated after 10 beers
'Well you know, stuff happens' isn't really an excuse for sticking a cheeto in my ear
My mom wants to know what to send you in a care package. She used cat emojis, so you know it's serious
Nothing says love like couples STD testing
Nothing says breakup like the results
He literally just peed in a trash can in our room. It didn't even have a bag in it
Just bought condoms with a walmart gift card. Thanks grandma.
How was your night?
I spent a lot of money and drank a lot of booze. Also was part of a successful search party
We damn well better have a snow day tomorrow. We just broke out the rum.
No we didn't talk. I was high and doing naked yoga in the living room when she walked in so it was just awkward. I didn't even know my dad had a girlfriend.
i was sitting on the kitchen floor shaking my gallon of vodka at people and asking if they wanted to climb the heaven hill... getting dumped is the best thing that has ever happend to me
I think I left my bra and my crocs in your room
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