yea, the bartender wouldn't serve you because you kept asking for "a slice of beer"
dude,it's memorial day.not getting wasted=you're a terrorist
I hit a bug from across the room with my flip flop boomerang style. That awesome.
In hindsight, buying 4 different kinds of vibrators at once may have been a little overenthusiastic of me.
I found bruises on my neck from barfing out the window.
My lips are sealed. Both pairs.
I woke up at 4 am to my roomate peeing all over my clean laundry. He thought he was in the bathroom and yelled at me for being in the bathroom with him while he was peeing.
I would convert to being a Republican and Mormon just to sleep with Romney's sons. The things I would to do them.
WTF YOU SHOULDNT BREAK A SWEAT TAKING A SHIT. MY BODY HATES ME.
If the river was whiskey, it would be the best river ever.
just woke up on my patio with a mouse eating cheetos off mys chest. youre all assholes.
I swear to God if you fuck my cousin I will fuck your dad.
He was the perfect gentleman on our first date. Took me out for candlelit dinner at a fancy restaurant, held open the door, walked me home, and made me cum three times before he got his.
Foreign objects found in purse this morning include: chocolate covered pretzels, pepper spray, and farm animal shaped key chains (you know the ones you squeeze and fake poop comes out, yea those)
I think she lost me at about the point where the words “Ice Cream Enema” were spoken.
Randomize
