Babe! I just farted and I swear to jesus lord christ that it sounded like ur name! Ok, more like Meeatt but still... awesome.
Bar. Show boob. Just one. Free drinks. Instant friends
Guys only need one. Little known secret. You're welcome.
Im am drinking whisky alone in my parents basement. I think I just watched the point of no return stroll by.
How could you not be happy? Its like "and then I found 5 dollars" but "and then I found a handle of vodka"
6 other girls and I took an ice cream truck to the bar when we couldn't get a cab. Best birthday ever.
yeah, that's what i said too. right before i tackled that street sign.
Get this. Chipped my front tooth taking a sip of a gay mans beer out of my cleavage. Fuck my fucking life. that'll be fun to explain to my dentist
I remember halftime. Then I woke up in Spain. I need a drink in order to process this.
This tiny Canadian guy just tipped me $20, a piece of gum, and a joint. I wasn't working. He literally tipped me for talking to him.
I just try to date guys based on what I need like I am trying to find an electrician now
You gays are geniuses
Drunk wound on my leg hast healed and neither has my dignity
If you get laid dressed as my dad that makes me extremely uncomfortable
I woke up naked and surrounded by M&Ms
I've started recycling nudes. Why should I take new pictures for every single man?
It's official we're now working from home permanently. I'm getting paid to have sex and sandwiches. I hit the lottery.
Randomize
