people from other dorms came to marvel at the dump i took. i had a bio major take a picture.
Oh my god. I opened up my microwave and there was a pile of bacon in it. It's like my mother knew I'd be hungover.
Vegas is awesome. Its like you have a kentucky accent girls automatically assume you don't have herpes.
Girl on the bus just slammed her book shut, turned to me and said "I'm way to fucking high to be studying"
We had fun with our Indiana Jones role-playing until I whipped myself in the dick with my belt.
You were greeting everyone with " Hi I'm Jess show me your dick" whether they were dudes or not.
time out. can we just pause the wholesome understanding friendship thing and be fuck buddies for a night?
we need a secret handshake
Abort mission; I repeat: Abort mission.I found an attractive one.
I guess the wine stains on your shirt and the $2 vodka tonics you're sweating out just scream, "Welcome to DC, please ask me for directions."
I don't want any of this. I just want big sausages.
You ran out of his house yelling "I got the goods!" Then you pulled toilet paper rolls out from under your shirt.
I realize that my conversation topics seem to only be about bees and my cross dressing fiance. Thank you for being my friend.
THERE ARE NO EMOJIS TO SHOW MY SEXUAL FRUSTRATION
I put the child locks on after I put you in the car and you then screamed, "I am a Phoenix, you can't restrain me. I NEED TO FLY!"
You know you started drinking too early in the day when you have a hangover at midnight
thats called having FUN
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