Have you learned any life lessons?
I like big butts and I cannot lie.
I want to see a picture of the girl worth ruining our relationship for
I have a love/hate relationship when men come within a 10 minute time frame.
I want you to know that after i type the word "your" vagina is next on my predictive tex
Just saw a cop issuing a DUI. At 3 pm. It's definitely the start of winter break.
If you start sounding at all like you're even remotely in love, expect a lecture on the merits of being a single woman with a vibrator.
This is why we're friends.
The bouncer at this strip club is my new best friend. He is also very persuasive. He got me to strip onstage for a t shirt. It's a nice shirt.
Please just tell me how ugly she was so I can bask in the diminishingly small reassurance that might give me
I just look @ having a child spit on you as another form of birth control. I think my ovaries just tied themselves in a knot.
Was I asleep on the ride home?
Yea, then when I tried to hold your head up on a turn, you round house punched me in the face.
Rage-masturbating and then crying myself to sleep. Welcome to Wednesday.
I told my coworker that I'm going to a dinner party and was asked to bring wine and pregnancy tests and he was like.. I miss being 20
If I die here, tell my vagina and my cats that I'm sorry.
We were covered in sweat and glitter, making out onstage, in front of everyone. I think it was a good night.
You better have a raging boner when I get to your house and it better be worth missing work in the morning.
Randomize
