I drove you home. there is no excuse for wrecking your car 3 hours later.
Just invented taco cereal.
the bouncer watched the girl drop her ID, saw me pick it up and say OMG SHE LOOKS LIKE ME, and then let me use it to get into the bar
The only way I could get him to agree to hook up with her is telling him I'd hook up with him next week.
Tried to dry my shoes in the oven last night.
The last thing I remember was doing a line in the shape of Texas
took off my bra and popcorn fell out of it. im gonna puke at this wedding...
Dude it's bad when your 10 year old son makes fun of your penis size.
How do u even exfoliate your vagina
I don't need to marry the guy. I just need some filthy, shameful wish fulfillment sex and then live out the rest of my life on the bean farm.
Nothing like sitting at your midterm pissed at yourself because you put your graphing calculator batteries in your vibrator and forgot to put them back in before the exam 😑
All I remember is an overwhelming desire for chicken nuggets...
Yes, you pinned my brother to the floor by the throat and threatened to slaughter his family if he didn't drive to mcdonalds and get you some.
who gets drunk at chipotle by noon and then gets kicked out? this chick.
I mean that was the nicest way to be dumped by some one I wasn't dating.
But then our conversations are like black box recordings. Just the stuff you hear when the plane is going down
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