then my best friend's brother, boyfriend, and future bro in law showed up at the bar. they asked who i was there with. didn't know if "a 40 year old man" or "my 5th grade teacher" was better answer.
Oh and then this old man who saw it happen goes "don't do that"
Hahaha what a helpful old man. Like you thought it was normal to be spilling gas everywhere.
Please talk me out of ordering the stripper pole for a dollar. Please.
Hey, next time you have sex, flick his balls, and tell him "thats for getting spit in jennifer's eye and laughing about it."
i just found this napkin with your number on it in my jacket pocket. it reads amy, drawing of a wine bottle and a house
He just texted me asking if I remember pinching his eyelid shut with my eyelash curler.
You have to start asking people if they're gay before you kiss them..
So apparently nutella and chocolate body paint aren't actually the same thing.
I didn't want to but I was drunk in a Disney bathroom with her and had a weak moment.
Just traded a sandwich for anxiety drugs outside the club. I fuckin' LOVE this place.
I'll pay you back with progressively deviant sexual favors.
now that we broke up we are playing hot potato with the cock ring.. Poor thing just needs a home
My moms new boyfriend looks like Stu Pickles if he was in a biker gang. He gave me free coke though, so come party?
Well, he kept asking me if I was going to murder him once we got upstairs. It sort of killed the mood.
I literally have a pirate chest of slutty clothing.
Randomize
