I'm wearing this super skanky ass dress that's wayyy to slutty for church but I think Jesus will appreciate it because i look so bangin for his bday.
I'm not giving my ex her earrings back. If some chick i hated gave me brownies i would still eat them. It's the same thing.
Im shirtless eating a burrito. How urgent is this?
You kept trying to hail an ambulance
I found out you can't leave the bar with a drink. I also found out that pouring it on the bouncers shoes is also unacceptable.
He said his penis was a 1 woman penis with a conscience an I was that woman...technically a declaration of commitment rite?
I AM SENDING THIS TEXT MESSAGE SO I DON'T LOOK AT HIM. THANK YOU FOR RECEIVING IT.
Must say, as a couple, she and I are thrilled that our pretend lesbianism has paid off.
What has my life come to that I have to spank someone in morse code?
I went 670% over budget on my vacation. My accountant would flip if he weren't me.
How the fuck do you have so much free time?
Polyphasic sleep schedule.
Look I'm really high right now, and if I were to leave this house, it would be for the sole purpose of getting an ice cream sandwich. So can you please just do it.
We figured you were on something when you said that your nipples couldn't hear the music.
I'm not strong. I'm hormonal, sad, lonely, and trying to get laid via tinder
Why is there bacon in the couch?
Yelled "don't taze me bro" as the police officer tazed me. Cross it off the list.
Randomize
