I just saw on the news, this guy tried to smuggle coke in a bouquet of roses... and to think I used to hate valentines day.
I can't make this stuff up. Your ex is singing I Will Survive on the karaoke.
I basically get to watch her life fall apart via tumblr updates
Memorial weekend is going to be amazeballs. Jungle juice, drunk guys, and my vagina being stimulated by the vibrations of a 4 wheeler. I mean there is no way that can go wrong.
Ice cream after masturbating>masturbating any other time
You rang?
Saw a ginger and the first thing I thought of doing was yelling "you have no soul!" so I called you so we can yell it together with you on speakerphone.
I just want you to know that I think it is hilarious and wonderful that 40s are now your alcohol of choice.
I have been drunk every time I've gone to mexico. I do not remember mexico.
Guess who just bought an ounce of pot via Paypal, and paid for it with my airline Visa card to earn miles?
Congratulations. That business degree is finally worth every penny it cost you.
Yeah she's a complete bitch. But I mostly hate her because she hijacked my fuck buddy.
WE'RE MOVING TO IRELAND!!!! DON'T ASK QUESTIONS JUST BOOK THE DAMN FLIGHT!!!!
I slept naked last night on stolen pillows. I felt like a golden goddess.
I woke up this morning cradling my vibrator like it was a baby
He tried to throw up into a beer bottle. It was a complete disaster. Vomit went everywhere. It put the Bellagio's fountain to shame.
I mean his penis was perfect in pictures but its even more perfect inside me
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