You were so drunk last night you thought you force pushed the automatic door open.
At the doctor. They're doing a flu test now. He was like "where do you think you got this?" I said "bachelor party. Strippers." he goes "okaaaay I'll put 'other'."
i just discovered how you can fold down the cardboard sleeve on a hot pocket. Life just got a whole lot easier.
you wouldn't stop saying "oil can" in the tin man voice until I gave you back your flask
and i think we compared dick sizes, then high fived...
i don't want you to think of me as your TA
I think that's the first time i've seen 'you look like an ugly version of my ex' work as a pickup line
We shot off some fireworks at 12 and then I orchestrated the group singing of god bless the USA all while wearing a don't tread on me flag as a cape. I repped hard.
Obama's speech on in 9 mins. Me in the shower now. Naked. Make your choice.
I'm bringing the tv in with me.
PAAAANTS ARE FOR AAAASSHOLES
My pants are like a grocery bag containing ONLY jelly beans right now.
I drank enough to tranq a steed. You really missed out
I was riding him and in the middle he literally said "fuck yeah, Amy Winehouse"
No matter how long you've been away, there's nothing quite like pooping at your parents' house
Should I be worried if two ants just crawled out of my purse?
Yes!
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