So ignoring my calls doesnt work if you update your facebook a minute later.
Did you ever notice that cashews look like fetuses?
I just wanna be some guy's midlife crisis
I wish there were whore gnomes that cleaned our apartment when we were gone.
a bus full of elementary school kids may or may not have seen me pissing off my front porch this morning
its like national bring your ginger to the pool day or something
Apparently I told the bartender to stop putting ice in my drink because it was taking up too much room
I wish you could see how much hot sauce and broken glass are in our apartment right now.
Ya well here is the deal with last night, it was the Biggest shit show we have ever co-stared in.
so the photographer said "let's get a picture of the cousins" so we posed together, and then he said " lets get a picture of the couples" So we posed together.
He asked me not to hook up with anyone else because it would hurt his feelings.. while his arm was around his pregnant girlfriend.
Did you catch one of my beer pong balls in your cleavage or was that a dream?
man fuck you i am a delight. you're the one who fucking set his tree on fire while high
Woke up from a black out in a strangers Jeep without phone, shoes, or wallet.
i gave head in a cab last night. get on my level.
Randomize
