Uhhh...do I owe you any money? Or an apology? Or anything?
apparently i'm not the first person wake up and realize she's ugly cuz i tore this house apart and there is no sign of my clothes
new low: my hungover self just mistook bacon grease for mashed potatoes. worst. mistake. ever.
I heard from multiple reliable sources that she doesn't have a gag reflex. Of course I'm going to try to go home with her.
We must be getting old. All of our friends are having kids and they aren't illegitimate.
Please tell me you are a size medium in men's clown onesies and that you forgot them here last night.....
We should probably avoid doing this again, but hey it was a nice one time thing to tell the grandkids about... Hopefully they don't end up being YOUR grandkids.
I'm having a staring contest with a raccoon.
Where the hell are you
He's winning.
I am now the only person in my apartment who hasn't had sex in my bed.
Sorry about that whole "setting your deck on fire" thing.
I just had to dig under a pile of condoms in my desk drawer to get to a blue book. Summer is officially over.
I don't want anything calamari shaped after last night. But I appreciate the Cheerios offer.
Once you share a nude experience with someone and three Norwegian guys, you're bound for life.
I heard you ran into my sister lastnight. Do you remember making out with her and slapping my uncle?
Wakes up in a cold sweat at 3am, 136 unread messages and the preview on the notification is "I JUST GOT TO THE INCEST PART"
Randomize
