I wish I was a guy so I could jack myself off anytime I wanted to
Pants on the Ground is the theme song of my life
I met the perfect girl for you, she's smart, likes cars, has at least one ear, and really blue eyes!
please elaborate on, "atleast one ear"
It feels like I'm being stabbed in the uterus with a rake. That night was totally worth it though. Thanks.
I have this terrible fear I might accidentally text a pic of my dick to my grandma
I just woke up to myself peeing the bed. Happy hump day! I'll never get married.
I just told the joker that my vagina is the bat cave and he needs to infiltrate it.
I just got St Patricks day and the day after St Patricks day off, wich I'm pretty sure is as close to a raise as I'll ever get.
I don't want sex or anything I just really need someone to appreciate how shiny my hair is
ugh I gave him morning sex and he doesn't even text me back for my bagel order
I forgot about snapchatting a pic of us, but I remember flossing with your hair.
Imagine the quality of nudes you could send with a selfie stick
Happy hour crawl turned into power happy hour turned into tequila shots turned into I'm drunk in class on Cinco de Mayo at 7 am.
I really wanted you to make me eggs this afternoon. I even wrote it on my hand to remind myself.
YOU GOT ME SO DRUNKK
i got me so drunk!
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