I thought I drunk dialed Adam last night and left him a voicemail. I just checked my phone. I realize I left a drunk voicemail with my son's teacher.
i took some ambien and I TRIPPED out...i went into my mom's room to say goodnight and i don't remember anything...she said that i got really pissed at her because we were living in the Keebler elf tree and she was visiting other trees, then i started laughing hysterically and she goes "whats so funny?" and i go "there are 7 people sitting on my knees" and she goes "doesn't that hurt?" and i said "no we're sitting in a bowl" and then i capped it off and said "join the crazy train bro" and passed out.
And the cops told us we were all naked.
I might not be able to enter cuba but that doesn't mean that a cuban can't enter me
If I knew losing weight would mean this many fucking creepers I would've just stayed fat.
there is no amount of schooling that prepares you for when your morbidly obese 45 year old patient tells you she has her clit pierced.
I FEEL LIKE I CAN TAKE DOWN A FULLY GROWN MOUNTAIN LION WITH ONLY A POINTY STICK OH MY GOD
official rule: if your drunk, it doesn't count
then nothing in my life counts
Seriously, I look like I crawled out of a bog. Succeeding at being as undateable as possible.
I'M WORRY THAT MY VAGINA WILL NEVER KNOW THE TOUCH OF A MAN AND YOU ARE MAKING A MIXTAPE
On another note; I'm three days away from being 1/12th of my way from not having sex for a year. I need to get laid.
When you can't finish your jumbo margarita and figure pouring it into a to go box will suffice... Midnight snack?
did anyone ever come to your door asking about the blood on the floor?
Someone just said “I need to use up this money before I’m tits up under the dirt” so I think I’m going to start using that in my daily vocabulary.
Thanks for driving us home last night. Also, blanket apology for anything I may have said/done. I blacked out sometime near the t-shirt cape incident
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