Okay you're seriously so fucking annoying its like having a baby
everytime i eat a fruit i feel like i'm eating ovaries
Im eating ham and mustard naked, watching south park, but its totally cool cuz the paper plate is covering my nuts
i had a dream last night that my liver tore its self out of my body and ran away.
trust me, there is no more disappointing feeling in the world than waking up at 4 in the morning with a random half naked chick in your bed and then realizing your roommates girlfriend just wandered into the wrong room.
Oh god. It's my first day here, I'm still drunk and somebody just drifted in a forklift. I'm going to die.
Just read my long term horoscope. I'm not gonna get laid for another 2 years.
I'm sorry I murdered your sperm with my alcohol saturated Olympic uterus.
Santa was walking around downtown handing out stuff at the bars. He gave me a free eyebrow wax. I think he's trying to tell me something
Realized we were outta oj used gerber graduates mixed fruit juice as a mixer. Mother of the Year award right here
She's throwing herself an "I just had a baby" shower, where she makes up for 9 months of sobriety then squeezing a watermelon out of her vagina.
Thank you for the legal advice. I hope I can pay you in blow jobs.
He said you asked to eat pepperoni off his dick and he thought it was weird
I mean I thought it sounded fun
Just tried to do a line with a snorkel I cut off... that is how my Aruba trip is going!
Gov of Georgia is going to allow massage therapists to return to work.
Gives a new meaning to 'Happy Endings'.
Randomize
