Note to self: never go down on a girl first thing in the morning…its like opening a grilled cheese sandwich
Just figured out how to smoke weed with a toaster.
Sign #1 this conference will suck: Ice breaker question, how many proud virgins do we have in the room, overwhelming response. Looks like I'm not getting laid this weekend.
So I called her out for all the gossip she does and she's like "you do the same, bitch"
So I was like "Im classy like the Countess, youre just a bitch like Kim."
Kudos on the Interstate Housewife metaphor.
They're donating plasma together for extra money. Couple of the fucking century.
come over i need a lifeguard for my shower
I can't believe we just used the phrase "jizz to juice ratio" in casual conversation.
Found a dirty envelope on my seat w ur name and $122.50 written on the front. Nothing inside but what looks like dirty pine needles
Take advantage man but know that every anal bead u drop inside her will make her love u 2% more. It's science
I tried to twerk on a barn in 3 inch heels at a party last night and nose dived into mud. These were all new friends. I'm probably not allowed back. Cool.
guy at the bar just asked how many cows we have on our land, then proceeds to ask me out. you know your from the country when....
Ok, in complete transparency, I am eating a cookie on my bed naked while reading a Halo novel.
I was just seen throwin up on the bookstore building near a trashcan by parents. Naturally I throw a thumbs up and say go college
If the people you’re with use the word tequila in a sentence with phrases like hair of the dog or breakfast of champions...run awsy
She played the piano. I played the piano. She got on top of the piano. I got on top of her.
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