so... i had sex tonight
with a midget
nicccce tits for a little person
is it true guys wash their penises in the sink if they think they're getting laid at a bar?
it's more of a rinse.
Is it sad that the only reason I haven't lapsed into depression is that I'm prettier than her?
Nah, we all need something.
How has he not realized you're pregnant?
Spanx.
you threw up in someones recycling bin and left a note apologizing. how drunk do you think you were?!
Strippers tramp stamp says "mom"
All I remember about walking back home was that I maced my shadow.
Today might be the day that I legitimately throw up in my saxophone.
Why have her stay eight hours when I only last eight minutes?
His dick is hereby named Charles Dickens. Will's is less cerebral. I'd like to call it Pinnacle like the vodka we drank when we hooked up, but I feel like that's a compliment it doesn't deserve.
BRING THE BAGELS
I've officially dedicated my newly single life to making myself squirt.
Rain drop, shock top, drinking can't stop stop
I may have just got motorboated by a male stripper who told me I should be a porn star and not a vet student.
Sorry I steam cleaned at 1:30 in the morning and that i'm such a drunk dumb child. On the bright side, my carpet has ever looked better.
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