I hope I'm pregnant just to spite you.
My idea of sleeping together involves doing the Humpty Hump. Her idea of sleeping together focused more on being fully clothed on the opposite sides of a king sized bed.
well we are all hammered and my parents are reminiscing about all the times they drove us home drunk from Christmas
It's not my theme song, it's my blowjob song. There's a difference.
Didn't get laid. But got a free pie from a waitress. A whole pie.
No sexy Asian girl. No comfy bed. I'm just gonna lie here in the hall next to the garbage can until someone comes home.
So I bought some random chick a shot she puked in her hands then I watched her make out with my roommate
Kurt said to text you and encourage you to come out tonight. Encourage you with my rack.
Should I take my grandma to a keg tomorrow or not? Serious question
All I've succeeded in doing since I saw you is drool on my shoulder
Drunk dialed the ex last nigh; turns out I miss dialed. The stranger who answered played along and apologized for sleeping with my cousin. She sent me a txt this morning to let me know.
Kindest stranger ever. Marry that girl.
who the fuck is meatball and why is he telling you to nap on the bar
So... I may have accidentally just sat on a strip of a home waxing kit.. naked... Assistance is definitely needed....
I am all the way hung over and want nothing more in this world than a McMuffin. Happy day after Thanksgiving.
Lol, maybe a little bit. I don't know. I don't keep a super keen memory log of dicks honestly.
Randomize
