im insabelyl wasted and diont know if ill yexyed tou. call me
really keith? you showed me your dick and your not gonna text me back
Going to pass out with da shoes on. hugging wallstreet journal from tuesday. please check me for liveliness in the morning.
I have teeth marks. Like distinct upper and lower jaw.
Yeah me too. My shoulder looks rabid.
He just gave himself a boner while driving using "the power of his mind"
The first clue should've been that he literally had shit in his hair. How does that even happen?
They can be so fun, drunk bruises are like clues to the treasure of what actually happened last night. "why do I have a bruise on my belly button? oh right. i was trying to turn my stomach off so I would stop throwing up."
Drinking Fireball means never having to say you're sorry. Unless its at you're arraignment.
They need 20 oz Capri suns with liquor. Douches need to grow up with their clients
I threw up in my closet when I was hammered last night. Like a fucking toddler. I can't play with the grow ups.
Pretty sure the guy I hooked up with Saturday gave me a buy one get one free coupon for chipotle. Who said nice guys don't exist?
Oh it's tea and biscuits for everyone. An possibly pink eye
Saw the Peanut butter guy at checkout he had at least 30 containers of it and like 6 different kinds...
I’ve gotta be honest, I didn’t expect to have sex. I didn’t shave... anything. You couldn’t have been impressed.
She sent a group text pic called "Assemble" of his dick next to her forearm.
I'm down.
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