at what point did you see referring to the bartender as 'the white precious' a good idea??
I've had more sex in the two weeks since we broke up than I ever had in any two weeks we were together.
I may be Daddy's little princess, but doesn't mean I can't be the blowjob queen.
Someone just bought me a one liter long island and call me maybe is on. I'm going to die
Late night whataburger runs are great, except if you're the one that gets left black out drunk puking in the backyard drinking from the water hose
Today's been pretty great, I went and bought the new Batman for the sole purpose of masturbating to Bane
Meanwhile I'm working a fucking flute workshop and I'm one high c away from shoving a flute up the asshole of the next passerby
6 pack came off in the shower. Sharpie is not forever.
You are the funniest drunk Jew I know. Never in my life have I witnessed someone respond, "Is your dick kosher?" while being picked-up on.
Don't stress. That was a joke. I'd trust my pets with no one else. Accidents happen. Sometimes things go smoothly when you help a neighbor out and sometimes you electrocute their fish. Life is funny that way.
What good is being a girl if you can't terrorize boys with pregnancy scares??
i am rolling on molly so fucking hard i want to do 300 cartwheels
I don't know man. She said my cock made her promises my heart couldn't fulfill.
this strobe light makes my body turn on and off
i had sex with a girl named after a fruit last night and it was the best thing to happen to me in 2020
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