is it sad that i think every plant i pass on the highway looks like a plant from farmville?
You broke a window with your face. I don't think the landlord will be as impressed as we were.
I just sneezed cum. He better have a damn good day at work.
well the hot one passed out so thats that, but then the fat one made chicken nuggets....totally worth it
We got a Christmas tree, decorated it to surprise his wife And kids who were out of town for her father's funeral, then fucked like rabbits on their new mattress before he had to pick them up at the airport.
you know its summer when you wake up on the toilet
Dong worry about me. I just cashed bottle of wine when I found out he was in town, I'm being dramatic. I'll text you tomorrow when I'm sober and my face stops bleeding
The AC broke so he ended up sleeping in the front yard and left his one night stand on the couch.
I guess I fell on the bar and kept trying to get back in telling the bouncer that I left my teeth at the bar. Woke up this morning with chipped tooth
Threw up on the baby. National Tequila Day is the eve of National I'm A Horrible Nanny Day.
Let's not fuck on an air mattress tonight...I'd rather get rug burn.
People don't tend to fuck with you when they think you have someone else's blood on your face
MY TWIN SISTER IS ENGAGED. I REPEAT, MY SCREW UP OF A SISTER IS ENGAGED. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I'll be there in 20 with vodka.
I'm sorry i showed you my boobs.. I probably shouldn't have done that.
Listen, yo... we need to have a serious conversation about this Dollar Store toilet paper. Because if I’m going to finger someone’s ass, it’s not going to be my own.
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