Alex texted me. Bootycall boy #2. its like an alarm goes off once i'm single that the line is open again
alex threw up in my bong. i'm going to call it a night.
no one should ever give us hovercrafts
It just hit me that I woke up to you in a bear suit. Explain.
coming out of a blackout being surrounded by Disney police was not as awesome as it sounds.
you know its summer when you wake up on the toilet
Ha ha. You should see the things I'm doing to my body at Bob Evans.
Of course drinkings involved. They don't call it alcoholism because we eat too many skittles.
My arms are hairy. And so Is my left leg. Just my left leg, the right is smooth.
That was the night, like, my hair caught on fire...
All I know is if i get a free preview weekend of HBO then I am recording Kindergarten Cop.
But I am still fully ok with my life choices as long as the consequences aren't onesies and pacifiers
We should leave before they realize I dumped a bowl of Fritos in your bag just in case I got hungry
I just feel weird about accepting their wedding invite when I've got a post-engagement video on my phone of him jacking off in my bathroom.
Can't talk, I'm icing "sorry I barfed on your couch" onto a cookie cake
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